Drained

recently feel so drained & vexed over certain things.. although i told myself not to think about it too much but i just can't help it.. that was why i always compliment on my stupid brain that is thinking over things at the "right" time.. *pui* i tried but it don't seem to work.. maybe karma has come to haunt me.. what i did last time all rushed towards me at one go without mercy..
physically i may seem alright but mentally.. my mind is just like a whirl pool.. its turning non-stop into the pit-less bottom of the sea bed.. i can be myself in front of anyone but once i'm alone.. i'm another me again.. the lost soul that's searching & looking for an answer in life.. not simply life but something more..
to be frank.. am i wrong in giving myself a chance to fall in l*** again? like people say.. the more u look forward to one.. the further it'll drift away from u.. i'm slowly beginning to understand & see a clearer picture.. yup.. i was wrong.. wrong for falling at the wrong time.. i'm just too lenient to myself.. giving myself so much hopes but end up falling badly.. time is not giving me chance to slow my pace.. the more i tried to match the pace.. the further i was thrown behind.. i'm so tired already.. how i wish i can just lay still & forget about this hopeless world.. i'm beginning to hate myself more & more.. i got no right to l*** anyone at all..
condemn me god.. take me away from this life.. i treasured whatever u gave me but end up getting hurt more each time u lift me up.. aren't u cruel to me? how much more u want to torture me? i'm just human.. i'm as delicate as china in anyone's hand.. u'r simply driving me to a corner where i don't even have a space to catch a breather or hide.. or is it just that u'r cutting me little by little.. enjoying the torture on me & see me rot slowly..
ashes to ashes.. dust to dust.. whatever it is.. i'm happy that i got to know all that got into my life.. be it those i dislike.. be it those i like before.. be it anyone.. as long as u crossed my path before.. i'm contented.. even if i just go or suddenly disappear one day.. don't bother to ask where i go 'coz the answer is simple.. i'm simply gone for good.. all of u are a worthy bunch in the deepest part of my heart but i'm not worthy even for a tiny little space in all your hearts.. save it for others who are more worth it.. u'll see life more worthwhile without me.. i'm just a spec of dust that needs to be removed before it spoils anything.. i come here with nothing & i shall go with nothing also.. not even a memory..