Late

guess i'm old already.. i actually missed my station.. with only one stop away from my destination.. ended up at dover mrt & gotta rush to work by cab.. damn.. tomorrow must try to wake up earlier lor.. if not kana black mark ar..
i guess i don't hate myself but despise myself more.. i should have stood firmly just like what i did for the past 7years.. where has my determination gone to? or is it that i open up myself too much that i have weaken slowly over the years? shame on yourself.. just say u'r afraid of loneliness.. u need a partner by your side.. i really don't want to think about it anymore.. i'm so afraid of r/s.. i'm afraid of losing that someone i like.. i'm afraid of everything.. she got her direction to work towards to while i'm stuck at finding a job only.. why am i losing out to so many people.. i hate it.. if i had completed my diploma the other time.. i won't feel this way at all.. why must there be problem the other time that forces me to stop.. why all this!! i hate myself.. i don't blame anyone but i blame myself for it.. i want to give myself up.. drive myself crazy better & i can stay in "hougang charlet" all my life & not think of anything anymore.. life will be so much better like this.. being human is so difficult.. i won't end my life by suicide.. i don't even bother want to hurt myself.. die a slow & wonderful death is good.. how i wish for that..
but what i really wished for is to hold her hands & hug her tightly.. cherishing the every moments we spent together.. telling her how much i like her.. talking about the goals we going to achieve.. want to be with her for the good & bad times.. always there for her.. but i know all this is beyond my reach.. never near at all.. i felt i'm drifting further & further..

Drained

recently feel so drained & vexed over certain things.. although i told myself not to think about it too much but i just can't help it.. that was why i always compliment on my stupid brain that is thinking over things at the "right" time.. *pui* i tried but it don't seem to work.. maybe karma has come to haunt me.. what i did last time all rushed towards me at one go without mercy..
physically i may seem alright but mentally.. my mind is just like a whirl pool.. its turning non-stop into the pit-less bottom of the sea bed.. i can be myself in front of anyone but once i'm alone.. i'm another me again.. the lost soul that's searching & looking for an answer in life.. not simply life but something more..
to be frank.. am i wrong in giving myself a chance to fall in l*** again? like people say.. the more u look forward to one.. the further it'll drift away from u.. i'm slowly beginning to understand & see a clearer picture.. yup.. i was wrong.. wrong for falling at the wrong time.. i'm just too lenient to myself.. giving myself so much hopes but end up falling badly.. time is not giving me chance to slow my pace.. the more i tried to match the pace.. the further i was thrown behind.. i'm so tired already.. how i wish i can just lay still & forget about this hopeless world.. i'm beginning to hate myself more & more.. i got no right to l*** anyone at all..
condemn me god.. take me away from this life.. i treasured whatever u gave me but end up getting hurt more each time u lift me up.. aren't u cruel to me? how much more u want to torture me? i'm just human.. i'm as delicate as china in anyone's hand.. u'r simply driving me to a corner where i don't even have a space to catch a breather or hide.. or is it just that u'r cutting me little by little.. enjoying the torture on me & see me rot slowly..
ashes to ashes.. dust to dust.. whatever it is.. i'm happy that i got to know all that got into my life.. be it those i dislike.. be it those i like before.. be it anyone.. as long as u crossed my path before.. i'm contented.. even if i just go or suddenly disappear one day.. don't bother to ask where i go 'coz the answer is simple.. i'm simply gone for good.. all of u are a worthy bunch in the deepest part of my heart but i'm not worthy even for a tiny little space in all your hearts.. save it for others who are more worth it.. u'll see life more worthwhile without me.. i'm just a spec of dust that needs to be removed before it spoils anything.. i come here with nothing & i shall go with nothing also.. not even a memory..

Dedicated to all 2...

Do cherish the person who loves u and care for u, if u ever lose this person, maybe u r not able to find another again. The person who loves you...

will never give u a reason why he loves u. he only knows that u are in his eyes

will accept u whatever u are, in his eyes u are still the most beautiful even though u feel your body is over weight or obese

always want to know what are u doing for a whole day, he want to know what are your activities

will send u a sms such as, good morning, good night, happy sunday, even though u will not reply his messages

will remember every single moment that he has done with u, even though u have already forgotten for every detail of that moment, because that moment is the most precious to him

will remember every single word u said and maybe the word u also forgot ever said it

will give his things that u will think its usual for u but for him, that is the most precious

will silence for a while when he is talking with u by a phone, because that time he feel nervous because u are "shaking his world" now

always want to be beside u and near u, and he want to spend his days only with u

sometimes miss u and make something that annoy u or make u feel crazy, and when u say u are feel annoyed, he will apologize and promise will not do it again

if u avoid him or reject him, he will realise and disappear forever from your life, even though it kills his heart

Work work work..

wah.. 1st 4days of work just passed like that.. damn tiring.. everyday gotta rush with people to get into the train.. gotta find place to sit for lunch.. now i know how it is to work in the CBD area.. see the people so stress i indirectly can feel it lor.. not much of a problem waking up so that's a relief.. kekekeke.. the troublesome part is smoking!! as i am working on the 20th floor, it'll be a killer if i do it often.. so currently.. i only smoke once after work when walking to the train station.. think should be able to quit quite soon le.. muahahaha.. even the simplest tasks i'm doing also seem so difficult & stiff.. but i'm picking quite fast because my mentor kept praising me.. kekekekeke.. kidding.. she's a nice lady.. not her only.. the department i'm working in is so lively lor.. everybody is nice there.. 1st day there they already made me feel like i'm a full-time staff there.. other than rushing for work & lunch, everything so far is great.. i don't mind the work load at all since i'm aid to do so even though its not justified.. but hor.. i got a problem.. i tend to knock out at times when i stare too much on the documents.. ahahahahaha..
recently.. my friend is facing a problem.. his target used someone's else relationship to take it as a stepping stone to their's and both have kinda feelings for each other.. upon hearing, i do find some familiarity to his problem.. i'm in no position to say him but i think & feel its quite unfair to him.. other people's relationship problems got nothing to do with what 2 person are currently going through.. everybody relationship paths are different.. if everybody is going through the same thing.. i think i would seen my parents divorce long ago lor.. think again.. i know his target's fear is not to get hurt but its no way or excuse to reject.. its immature of her.. we're human.. its meant to be complicated & never able to be understood.. there are diseases still with no cure so do u think human can be so easily read?? i think sometimes we do over-rated ourselves & our abilities to handle things.. i told him to give up since its this way & no point trying so hard to change her mind since her mind is set.. just move on lor since life is so short only.. u want a perfect relationship in this world that has a fairy tale ending?? i would say its never possible.. u envy couples when they're so lovey dovey but did u see the other side of their's sour bust up & etc..?? since it takes 2hands to clap.. i think by letting the person go is the best solution as 1person can't do anything to a relationship.. since each of them have different paths & views.. parting ways is the least cruel way of farewells.. suddenly.. something hit me hard.. i think the answer i gave him slapped me real hard..

Super down on luck

haix.. must really say nowadays the viruses are getting better sia.. i kana malware from an unknown source.. the best part is i can't reject or stop the activeX installation.. power!!! spend almost the whole noon reformat the computer.. finally back to normal oreadi.. really hate to reformat as i need to look for the drivers & programs all over again.. sianx..

Thanks for the concern..

guess i made everybody worried about me on my last post.. i'm alright already.. sorry.. i was doing some deep soul searching last night.. the night was quiet & i can't get to sleep so i just lay on the bed looking at the ceiling & think over.. its was a good "wash" of my mind as i sorted out alot of thoughts.. one thing i should give credit to is our brain.. they work wonders.. why? because those things we want to remember they tend to forget & memories to be remembered were blurred.. things unnecessary to think they will go into deep thoughts.. *sigh* but i'm glad that i woke up today very fresh & worries-free, just that i'm impatient over my job hunt..
just today late evening.. i finally got a call from the agent in-charge of aviva temp job.. i was over the moon when i got the news but the pay was like.. erm.. but its alright.. i want to learn new things also from different environment.. so.. i'll be working with kenichi & reina.. don't know if we'll be in the same department but at least we can work together for once.. hope they can get used to my working style.. *crossed my fingers first* sunday got to be more hardworking & take out all the working clothings to iron.. its been a long time i took them out.. ahahahaha..
last but not least.. went out with kat for some beer.. chat over our problems but end up all our problems are nothing of importance but we just lost track on.. ahahahaha.. how stupid of us.. after beer, we went for dota session.. heex.. the AI too good sia.. i kana "first blood".. idiot.. they gang us lor.. after dota went to find harold & it was beer session again.. yeah~~ finally got myself alittle high over beer.. its was so long i last experienced it.. muahahahaha.. then was supper & home.. another day passed like that.. i would say thanks for another simple day..

Lost: Season 6 ???

recently feel so lost with job hunting & in sum other things.. there's too many uncertainty over my future.. i'm glad & happy over the encouragement from friends but the mental blockage in my mind & the matter at heart cannot be untie.. i cannot give myself assurance anymore.. am i asking for too much from myself? am i aiming too high? am i soaring too far from reality? am i too optimistic or pessimistic? am i giving myself too much pressure? everything in front of me suddenly become so blurriness when the light ahead is so dim.. i guess i'm too impatient in both problems i'm facing.. i just don't want to disappoint my family who has been pinning high hopes on me.. i can feel the burden unknowingly.. they did encourage me to further my studies but i think i want to build my career as now, for my age, i need to prove something in life already.. i'm no longer young as seen.. ning was right about my fickle-minded mentality.. i just cannot decide what i want.. i really need a morale boasting push.. i need to focus on my mind set.. i really need to sit down and think over my life.. i had missed out alot in life already and don't wish to lag behind again.. i want to enjoy life as much as possible.. make it as colorful as ever.. sound as beautiful as can be.. i want to achieve in life.. i don't want to disappoint anyone around me again.. i know i can do it but just too timid to move on.. i'm too careful with my path i'm stepping but at the same time making the same mistake? opportunities are everywhere but which is the correct one? nobody says its easy on what u sow and results are never guaranteed all the while.. am i simply digging my own grave? thinking life is that easy only.. i'm sure i'm very wrong on this step.. i need to step back to look at things from different angels.. if i just lay still and see again.. the world will be better or worse?

Why think it this way?

I know everyone gotta die someday but why think until that part so soon? there's so so much things to do in life to even think about it.. nobody can escape death anyway & it'll depend on how u die only.. i must agree that i did think of it before & it really scare me off with the thoughts.. thinking is there after life after death or where will i go after i die & etc... to me.. i'm not really bothered if people remember me after i go 'cause sooner or later they'll leave me in the memories.. life gotta move on even if i'm gone.. i rather they smile & laugh for me when i die then to "see" them cry for me if anyone will.. i'll feel much much better that way if i could tell them.. u may think that i'm not facing the reality but actually i don't think its necessary to think about it.. do whatever u wan now & enjoy life the way u wan.. even life sucks & i must fully agree on but make the fullest use of life & work towards that goal o f yours.. remember u got only 1 life now & once its over.. its over.. no rewinding.. no cheat codes for infinite life.. life is gone easily but to live is more difficult then u think.. u gotta be stronger than death.. i see life lost in front of me before & one of them is sum1 i like before.. the heart wrecking scene is hard to accept.. life is unpredictable & as y i dun wanna think about it? 'cause i'm so close to death before & managed to survive & that's the reason.. i treasure life so much.. i treasure people around me.. i treasure everything i have now.. if one day u ever come so close to death.. do tell me how it feels.. i can tell & assure u that the urge of u wanting to live is so strong & no second thoughts of it will resurface..

Do you?

在你心中有这样的一个人吗？ 你们可能相爱过，你们也可能喜欢着彼此， 但是，为了什么原因你们没能在一起？ 也许他为了朋友之间的义气，不能追你。 也许为了顾及家人的意见 ，你们没有在一起。 也许为了出国深造，他没有要你等他。 也许你们相遇太早，还不懂得珍惜对方。 也许你们相遇太晚，你们身边已经有了另一个人。 也许你回头太迟，对方已不再等待。 也许你们彼此在捉摸对方的心，而迟迟无法跨出界线。 不过即使你们没在一起，你们还是保持了朋友的关系。但是你们心底清楚，对这个人，你比朋友还多了一份关心。即使不能跟他名正言顺的牵着手逛街，你们还是可以做无所不谈的朋友。他有喜欢的人，你口头上会帮他追，心里却不是很清楚你是不是真的希望他追到。 他遇到困难时，你会尽你所能的帮他，不会计较谁又欠了谁。男女朋友吃醋了，你会安抚他们说你和他只是朋友，但你心中会有那么一丝的不确定。每个人这辈子，心中都有过这幺一个特别的朋友，很矛盾的行为。一开始你不甘心只做朋友的，但久了，突然发现这样最好。 你宁愿这样关心他，总好过你们在一起而有天会分手。 你宁愿做他的朋友，彼此不会吃醋，才可以真的无所不谈。 特别是这样，你还是知道，他永远会关心你的。做不成男女朋友，当他那个特别的朋友，有什么不好呢？你心中的这个特别的朋友...? 是谁呢？ 很多的感情，都因为一厢情愿，最后连朋友都当不成了，常常觉得惋惜，可惜一些本来很好的友情，最后却因为对方的一句喜欢你，如果你没有反应，这一段友情似乎也难以维持下去，这也难怪有些人会因此不肯踏出这一步。 因为这就像是一场赌注，表白了之后不是成了男女朋友，要不就连朋友都当不成了。有些事不是你能预料的，或许对方不在意，你们还可以是朋友，但却已经不如从前的好。也是可惜，也是遗憾！但还有没有可能是另一种情况，你可能永远都不甘心只是朋友. . .

Soon-to-be discouraged worker

woah.. today juz cut my hair.. quite satisfied with the new style.. kekekeke.. i feel so light today... ahahahahaha.. thx to kat who brought me dere & harold for introducing the hairdresser.. =)
for the past few weeks.. did nth except doing PRs around.. trying all ways & means to pull string to get into jobs i wan.. not ez.. i finally understand the pain & hardship of entertaining ppl.. dere's a few times when i omost got myself drunk.. damn.. lucky i was strong enuff to pull off.. went for a number of interviews from agencies to check out the "worth" of me now.. not bad as i can get at least a 1.8k wif my exp.. gotta be on the ball liaox.. will write dwn all the interested jobs early in the morn.. wish me luck to get them..
thkin of wkin p/t for the time being as i feel like traveling early nxt year.. wanna haf a short break overseas 1st to completely rest my mind & soul.. i really need that push.. see how bahx.. take thgs as it comes.. can't rush oso..

Courtship

Anyone noe abt tis word? yeah!! it means u'r going after sum1 or vice visa.. kekekeke.. the most tiring part of the process into a real relationship.. its either u did it by getting tat sum1 or all ya effort all gone down the drain depending on how u go after tat sum1..
at this stage.. most probably u need patience & courage the most.. for the "chasing" ones of coz need patience & for the "accepting" ones they need courage to accept.. its nv ez on how we see it as there's no definite explanation to it.. u can almost see all types of craps found in the net.. everybody got their own thinkings.. as i am saying abt them.. i do haf my own tots too lor.. *stupid* kekekeke..
i noe nobody wanna get hurt in a r/s but its not possible to haf a smooth one unless both parties are so extremely alike in tots.. can it happen?? mb yes but i haf nv nv seem one yet.. mb at the initial part of the r/s is "honey moon" period but as time goes by.. things may not be as smooth as it is.. i too am afraid of being hurt as most of u oreadi noe abt my past r/s.. yup.. i'm looking forward le.. am not gonna look back as i need to walk out of the shadow le.. wish me luck..

Busy..

2 days back to yunkee's farewell "party".. its pretty sad to see friends going back one by one.. haix.. the feeling is not good as everybody was & is so closed to each.. 1st was buddy van.. then was kim to serve his NS in korea.. then now my honey.. haix.. i really really hate goodbyes.. not bad as i controlled my emotions quite well tat day.. kekekeke.. broke my own record as to see sum1 off which i promised myself not to.. i guess its not as bad as it is but never a nice feeling as i'm still feeling quite down after all tis events.. hate myself for being so emo.. damn..
was busy also doing PR to pull strings to get jobs.. look like my reserve is damn low now.. gotta find a job soon.. arh.. now i noe y doing networking is so difficult le.. not bad la as i learned quite abit frm dere.. no wonder people alwayz said tat we'r learning everyday.. gotta agree on tat finally.. hope it'll paid off soon.. =) fri meeting sum1 for 1 more.. kekekeke..
got a bad news frm a fren who tot a pri sch as a IT trainer.. juz his luck for getting caught for doing sumthg rite but at the wrong time & place.. hopefully everythg will be fine after tis..