Never easy to be uneasy

i shouldn't be there at all in the first place.. why find trouble for myself.. just thought of catching up with ex-classmates only but end up i got frustrated & pissed with their topics.. its non of my business anyway but why i take it to heart so badly? of course la.. i'm lousy & stupid in my studies & i feel damn inferior to their's.. isn't it obvious? the more they compare.. the more i find it frustrating, uneasy & uncomfortable.. to make matter worse.. i excused myself by going off.. i can't stand it anyway & do not wanna spoil the atmosphere.. i feel the blood boiling deep inside so suddenly.. i almost blew my head off.. i wondered what would happened if i stayed any longer.. i might just smash the table into two.. ha.. truely.. its nice to see everybody doing fine.. cheers to graduating officially..
today finally got the reply from ***** about me converting to perm but my heart sank damn low when i heard about the offer.. its crappy & shitty i guess because i can't find a better word to describe it.. haix.. benefits so-so.. bonus a month more than other compaines & its fixed.. basic is super low.. work load quite abit.. people are fun to work with.. environment is overall good.. i'm seriously considering but the offer was just too lousy.. i don't know if i wanna take.. progress maybe slow but at least there's room for improvement & "promotion" if performance is good.. colleagues told me to forget it but my heart told me to stay on.. i'm so confused.. follow my heart or listern to advice? *sigh*
suddenly feel that i'm not good enough for her till i can't make her to fall for me.. i know i got to take things slowly but i don't see any improvement between us.. i don't know how to bring the distance between us closer.. i just don't know how.. i'm so helpless.. i'm so useless.. i'm so stupid.. i'm so slow.. maybe i'm not the one she's looking for at all.. her aim is so high & far while i'm looking for a simple life.. i wanna know more about her but there always seem to be a wall in front of me, blocking my view.. or issit i'm not sensitive & attentive enough? or am i trying too hard?

Without u: Part 1

its been 2 days.. erm.. considering the 3rd day since u left here to home.. everything looked normal.. i do my stuff as usual.. went for a game of badminton with friends.. went out with friends.. but something just seem missing.. i feel kinda empty.. i kept checking on my hp to see if u'll sms me but i know its not gonna happen for some time.. i can't concentrate well on things i do.. i made stupid mistakes.. nearly got run over by the bus when wanna get onto it.. before it arrived i actually step over onto the road.. i don't know what happened also.. so i dare not board onto it until the next bus came along.. haix.. what am i doing??
i shouldn't be like this at all.. its like my spirit is away from the empty shell.. i must be stronger.. i shouldn't take it as a set back with what u said but convert them to strength to prove my worth.. my mind just can't recover from that because the heart was shattered & shaken badly.. i won't put blames on anyone but myself.. i know i'm impatient.. i don't wanna put pressure or stress on u either but i don't know why i just can't control myself.. its never your fault to start with but mine.. moreover.. i would like to thank u instead.. i thought i would never recover from my nightmares but u made it possible to make me dare to open my heart again..

Sadness filled

i think i never thought that things will turned out this way but i did anticipate the worst scenario.. she's being forced to go back tomorrow.. suddenly sadness filled me the moment she told me but i did tried to control my emotions.. i don't want her to worry about me either.. i gotta be alittle stronger.. her absent will very much see how i deal with my life without her.. it'll be a test for me bahx.. i'll definitely long to see her & unwilling to let go as i fall deeply in love with her.. though i know i could do nothing but i can only wait here for her.. i did told her how i felt & i did promised that she's the only one in my heart now.. she's the first i opened my heart to after 7years & i'm taking this seriously.. have faith in me.. nobody can replaced u after i set my sight on u.. i really regretted not telling her earlier but at least i did not regret telling her how i feel for her.. to be.. i'm happy enough if i'm accepted in her heart even though nothing is being told to me.. no answer yet.. no agreement yet.. will miss her badly for sure..

Fragile

life is always short so treasure what u have in life.. why the sudden thought?? just happened to see one of the friendster's alert on friend's update on their blog so i thought why not since i so long didn't see her & maybe drop by to see how she is doing.. but i got a shock of my life.. a friend of her's whom i known passed away.. i sms her as soon as i saw it & got to know its by a very serious accident..
while sms-ing, she said i'm always busy.. suddenly i got hit again.. this remind me of a friend whom had been trying to ask me out but at that time i was busy with my projects & studies.. he is non other than Ben from my poly days.. i know i'm wrong & its my fault for keeping myself so packed all the time but i know how to prioritise between seriousness & fun too.. she's right about it.. i would like to apologise to all my friends whom i had neglected.. i don't mean it but i'm trying very hard to juggle my life also.. i may not contact u all so often but always remember that u all are always on my mind..
do drop me a sms if u see this.. ^-^

Happy

只欠一句 我爱你没胆亲口告诉你.. 只差一句你答应点头说你也愿意..
i'm always timid over many things but i finally got the reply i'm looking forward to.. i was over the moon that day.. i couldn't sleep the whole night.. even though i'm tired but my mind is super awake.. trust me.. that feeling is indescribable.. kekekeke.. i missed her so much even after we met few hours earlier.. it feels like the first time i fall in love.. again.. the feeling is indescribable.. just a word to contain how i feel everyday when i received her sms or see her.. HAPPY!~..

Far from it but still trying

kinda got some assurance from her & i can finally put my mind at ease & go full throttle towards that direction.. i finally find my old self back so can see alot more differences in me.. will be emo still if not u all will missed my nice posts.. kekekeke.. will see a more confident side of me.. its being a long long time i took that out from deep within me.. guess it was "that" pushing factor that lead me to it.. i'm not sure how long i gotta wait still before she accept me but i'm kinda happy with things as it is now.. i know i'm slow & super simple-minded idiot who always messed things up at the most crucial point.. wanna express certain things but always tongue tied.. haix.. am i that shy or simply lost my sense of expressing?

Dedicated to all 3..

The guy who love you, if he can't always see you,
he will try to make himself busy, for not to have
any time to remember you, because he knew, if he
did, he will keep on missing you until he could do
nothing.

The guy who love you, can't tell you the reason
why he love you. he only knew that, in his eyes,
you are the only one

The guy who love you, seldom praise you, but in
his heart, you are the best, only he know it,

The guy who love you, Only drop his tears infront of
you, when you try to wipe his tears, you are
touching his heart, the heart which beat for you.

The guy who love you, will remember every word u
said, even its accidentally. and he will use the word
always at the nick of time.

The guy who love you, will not give any promise
that easily, because they don't want to break the
promise, they want you to believe him and they
want to give you the happiest and safest life ever
after.

The guy who love you, always tell you not to think
too much, because they already plan it for you, he
want to give u the best life in the future, he want to
give you a surprise, believe him that he can do it.

The guy who love you, will listen quietly to you,
when you are mad, and when you finished, he will
said, you still got class tomorrow, sleep earlier with
smile.

The guy who love you, don't know that whether he
should call you when you are angry, but he will
sent a message to you after few hours, if you ask
him why he call that late, he will said, when you
are angry, my explanation are all rubbish. But
when you calm down, my explanation will only
really works.

The guy who love you, always call you little kid, but
everytime he want to make a big decision, he will
first want to hear your advice.

The guy who love you, don't like little toy like teddy
bear, but he will always put the bear you gift him at
his bed.

The guy who love you, while quarelling, he will
apologize uncontrollably, althought you are the one
who's wrong, and later, he will sent a message to
you with " baby, actually you know its your fault,
you know it urself "

The guy who love you, while really miss you, he
will want to buy a bunch of rose and wait you
stupidly under your apartment. but he never
knows , what he bought is daisy, but doesn't
matter, because in his heart, that's roses.